


Ending This

by EzraTheBlue



Series: Fictober 2018 [6]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Gen, Guilt, Introspection, Trauma Recovery, unnamed narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-09-06 19:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16838584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: Prompt: "I've heard enough. This ends now."





	Ending This

He woke as he had since he arrived here, feeling as if he was in a stranglehold. The distant chanting of the monks was akin to the buzzing of insects in his head and chest, and he grasped at his own breast as he was forced to wake another day and live with the things he’d done.

_“Peace be with you,”_ the chanting echoed from the prayer hall.

“And without you,” he whispered, as if in addendum to his own thoughts or a curse made in hope of inviting a blessing. “But then, the nameless sinner I am, do I even deserve you now?” He squeezed his eyes shut, red flashing over his eyelids, the memories a blur of crimson now. “I’m still alive, somehow, and without you.” He gathered himself and stood, stumbling to the basin. The pain in his belly wrenched through the rest of him as he tried to wash his face, and he nearly retched. He swallowed a few stares and made himself stand. “All I deserve is…” He clenched his fist and thumped it against the still-aching wound. “It should, it should…” It hurt, it did, and he glared at the reflection of Gonou in the basin’s surface as if he could hate the man who looked back at him more than that which had created him. As if he could hurt that person instead. “I haven’t forgiven you,” he hissed, and dug his knuckle in on the wound. “Like she’ll never forgive you, like he’ll never forgive you, like I can never be someone who can be–”

“Stop.” Sanzo was in his ear, and he’d snatched his hand back like a parent slapping a child’s hand away from the stove. “I heard enough. This ends now. It has been four days, damn you, how many times do I have to tell you?”

He exhaled all at once, as if he’d been holding his breath, and slumped in Sanzo’s grip, deflating. “I… I merely…”

“It’s time you stopped living that life and started a new one.” Sanzo yanked him back from the basin. “Stop being that person you hate so damn much.”

“I’m not,” he countered weakly, his own voice wavering, teetering on the knife’s edge of his own self-doubt. “I…”

“Then who are you?” Sanzo used his grip on his arm to yank him around and force him to look Sanzo in the face. “Are you still the person who lost what he did, or are you the person who deserves a new start? I only took one of those back from the Aspects, and I damn sure only want one.”

Red flashed over his vision again, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Perhaps he didn’t deserve it, but God, if he didn’t want it anyway. “Perhaps… we should select a more suitable name for me.”

Sanzo finally released his arm. “Hmph. It’s a damn good start. Fine. Let’s hear it.”


End file.
